Adoption Survivor

dealing with it

White Dust

with 3 comments

There is no school today, as it’s a school holiday:  the founding of the school.  Despite having much to do, I am distracted.

In the absence of air-conditioning, the fan emits this low noise pollution, sucking in organic matter through the window and blowing it and formerly undetected fine white powder from the installation fabric across everything.  It clings to every surface and then to my half naked body which moves restlessly from place to place to place.  It’s pernicious, this grit.  How many cleanings will it take for it to disappear?

I try to make myself feel better:  I watch movies, I pick up and drop several projects, I go for a walk, I check out another health club, I look for activities to join, I remember I should eat, etc., but nothing engages me and I just make the circuit of my room over and over again.  I feel lost.

Jane’s writing from the TRACK blog grabs my attention:

Each misplaced, forgotten, thrown away, ripped-up, spilled-on, smeared, misstamped, lost and found again later tag still represents one child, one file. We keep finding stray tags now — one at a time, sets of them– unlabeled, unaccounted for. I found a stray tag today next to the door of my apartment, next to the garbage can and the shoes. “Where do you belong, little girl? How did you get here?”

I feel like that lost tag.  I am that lost tag.

I am out of place.  I am out of time.  Despite my best efforts, I am always orphaned and alone and abandoned.  Love is a privilege denied me.  The losses collect. The white dust is like the grief I can’t wash away.

I know it’s not finished and it’s badly edited, but I don’t know how much longer I can linger on this and stay healthy, so here is my unfinished video gift to Kim Sook Ja and all the other Korean adoptees out there in the world who, despite their best efforts, sing private songs of lamentation when they long to sing for joy:

I hope they have some company, wherever they ended up:  someone to take their part and soothe them.  This is the best I can do:  say I understand the loss and isolation you have felt/feel.

You are not alone.

Written by girl4708

July 16, 2010 at 8:20 am

Posted in Infinite Longing

3 Responses

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  1. Year that blog I read too. Im a tag too, with a number that says #K 325

    Lee, you must have experienced so much. It would be nice to meet while being in korea this summer. I hope to reach Busan before returning to the Gathering 2010 in Seoul. Will you join? Any good suggestions for cheap acommodation will be received with kiss. I travel with my 6 year old son, a friend and his 12 year old daughter. We want Air-con and a bed and bath, so…

    So much so say about korea, but what to say…

    Lee Mee Ja

    July 17, 2010 at 9:37 pm

  2. Oh, I just realized I no longer on Lees blog, but his link…sorry

    Lee Mee Ja

    July 17, 2010 at 9:39 pm

  3. I found your blog because it’s linked on someone else’s blogroll. This post breaks my heart. And I think we have some things in common there, re: things you share. I’m hoping you’ll check out my recent post over at The Lit Pub, where I talk about mother-loss and daughter-loss and adoption and stillbirth, about a book that I’m representing called The Chronology of Water for the author, Lidia Yuknavitch. I hope you’ll read my post. I hope you’ll feel compelled to share, to leave a comment there. (Every comment earns you a chance to win free swag, books, tees, stickers, bookmarks.) But really, I just want The Lit Pub to be a place that fosters connection between people with shared experiences. Please come check us out. I think we might have so much to talk about together.


    P.S. Today’s post is here:

    Molly Gaudry

    June 6, 2011 at 5:36 am

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