Adoption Survivor

dealing with it

Do you believe that interracial adoptions should be allowed?

with 23 comments

Open Question

I need opinions on adoptions.?

Do you believe that interracial adoptions should be allowed? After answering this question can you please explain your reason why

Additional Details

I completely believe that it is a wonderful thing, but for a project i need various opinions.

Answers (14 answers, 12 of them think it’s great)

It’s great if you want to make a child who’s already had to adjust to a new life even harder, because the world is not color blind, and transracial adoption isn’t going to change that. Who has to bear the brunt of this wishful thinking? The child. And race is also tied to assumptions about culture. And is the other race parent really going to be able to pass the child the necessary skills to deal with that disconnect and lack of cultural knowledge? Poorly at best.

What is the motivation of adopting transracially? Because they’re cute babies? Because the adoptive parents are fascinated with other cultures? Does this have anything to do with what’s best for the child?

Being a transracial adoptee was not a wonderful thing. It was a world of tension, ridicule, not matching anyone, not belonging anywhere, and somewhat disturbing to be a walking billboard for my parents’ charity. Being a transracial adoptee means always having to explain your situation. Being a transracial adoptee means being sentenced to forever being reminded you were obtained unnaturally. Being a transracial adoptee means having to tell yourself, “I was chosen. I was chosen. I was chosen,” every time you’re feeling pain. That’s just the harsh truth, whether you love your parents or not. It’s unnecessary and avoidable. Racial matching is not being racist – it’s being kind to the child.

Yes it can be done. But it’s a messed up thing to do. It was especially hard for my African American adoptee friends separated from that strong and vibrant culture: there is no substitution for that. To be an oreo is to be culturally killed and cut off from everyone who looks like you, but you still have to pay for your skin color.

People just don’t think. THEY just want to feel good about what THEY want to do to make the world better. Children should not be the social experiments of privileged Utopian fantasies.

Source(s):

adult transracial adoptee living in her birth country

Advertisements

Written by girl4708

January 22, 2010 at 11:58 pm

Posted in Q&A

23 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Very interesting thoughts. My wife and I (both Caucasian) just adopted our daughter from Ethiopia. She has been home with us for about 4 months and is doing great. I understand that since she is only 14 months old she hasn’t been able to understand any of the color differences between her and us. But in my opinion, that’s they only difference, skin color. I work and am friends with several other Ethiopian families and we meet monthly with other families who have adopted Ethiopian children. So I guess I’m curious about your statement, “Yes it can be done. But it’s a messed up thing to do.”
    What were we to do when we weren’t able to get pregnant? Should we have insisted on only adopting a brown hair, brown eyed white baby because they looked like us? That to me sounds racist in itself. I’d have to say that in the 100’s of families we’ve seen adopt from Ethiopia only 2-3 of them have been black and they were originally from Ethiopia. So what was to become of those children that were adopted? Should they have to wait until a black person or better yet someone from Africa came and adopted them? Because to be honest that might not have ever happened.

    My wife and I totally understand the hardships and struggles that our daughter “MIGHT” go through. We have prepared ourselves through reading, counseling and communication and even that might not be enough. But we love our daughter and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Yes, she is a Utopian fantasy of ours because we’ve always wanted to be parents. She has been such a blessing to us and has forever changed our lives.

    Matt

    April 22, 2010 at 3:41 pm

  2. Matt,

    From one adoptive parent to another: I dearly hope that you have an open heart because you are going to need it in order to learn everything that you need to learn.

    It is a good thing that you are here reading information such as you can find here. Try hard to listen to it.

    And trust those that write it. They know what they are writing about. Really.

    Ed

    April 25, 2010 at 3:25 am

  3. Having adopted two children from foster care, one son is African American the other euro-American. I am a white mom of a two white mom family.

    Time spent with my sons is the best parts of life and they call out to me to be the best I can be. In the case of now being a transracial family, being the best I can be means a strong and ongoing commitment to NOT be colorblind. To understand the legacies that racism and slavery have brought to bear on all the members of my family. To continue to root out the racist attitudes and ideas that still exist in me. To be aware that my sons’ experiences of the world will not resemble mine in so many ways, and I owe it to them to prepare them for the world THEY will be dealing with, not the world I was raised in or deal with. Finally, I am also aware that my sons and I share a common thread as I am an adult adoptee. It is also for me to remember how this has impacted my development and identity and try to give them a legacy of pride and belonging as someone adopted.

    Nann

    June 17, 2010 at 9:39 pm

  4. It is difficult to read such harsh criticism of adoptive families. While it’s true that inter-racial adoptions cause difficulties, to say the least, I think these unique families have much to offer us. And one of the most racist assumptions I have heard is that Caucasion children would be better served with Caucasion families, Asian children with Asian familes, etc. Each race has differences within it, so there are no guarantees that the blond-haired, blue-eyed caucasion child is going to feel like she “fits in” with her darker pigmented Caucasion adoptive family. However, it is also naive to assume that “love” is always enough.

    I think “adoption” is a wonderful word. When living in Japan, I “adopted” the Japanese life, and I felt Japanese, even though my European features gave me away…sometimes, after looking at so many Japanese faces all day, I would experience a little shock when catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and be reminded that I was not really Japanese. While my experience living as an adult in Japan was not the same thing at all as being placed as an innocent child in a foreign country with a foreign family, I do have a tiny idea of what an inter-racial adoptee might experience throughout their lifetime. Certainly, there were plenty of strange looks from native Japanese, especially children. I grew accustomed to it, but yes, I never really forgot that I was different from everybody else. But my Japanese “family” celebrated my different-ness and I loved them for it.

    That being said, when my husband and I agreed to become a permanency option for some of our foster children, we chose not to be considered for children of another race. This was not because we felt that we couldn’t love a child of another race enough, but because we felt society wouldn’t accept our love as enough, ultimately damaging our adoptive child of another race. I know the Caucasion children we have loved so very much and ultimately adopted will have an easier time adjusting in society because they look a little more like us than their other-race counterparts, but I still feel sad that we live in a society that seems unwilling on so many levels to just accept families as they are, no matter what any of them “look like”. And lets not forget, there are good adoptive families and bad adoptive families, just like there are good biological families and bad biological families. All any of us can do is to try to build on the best parts of our lives and influence others to do the same. I hope forums like these do not discourage those who can love a child, any child, from stepping boldly forward and doing so. If I were unable to care for any of my children, I would pray that someone loving would do so, whatever they looked like and yes, even if it meant that my child would ultimately lose some of his/her cultural identity, because the alternative is too frightening.

    Catherine

    July 21, 2010 at 10:12 pm

  5. Quote A:
    “And one of the most racist assumptions I have heard is that Caucasion children would be better served with Caucasion families, Asian children with Asian familes, etc”

    and its later contradiction:

    Quote B:
    “we chose not to be considered for children of another race. This was not because we felt that we couldn’t love a child of another race enough, but because we felt society wouldn’t accept our love as enough”

    the people who say A are not being any more racist than you in B. they’re thinking of the REAL experience the child will be subjected to, just like you, so who’s being a harsh critic?

    the rest is wishful thinking at the child’s expense.

    girl4708

    August 4, 2010 at 7:14 pm

  6. How do you feel about caucasion parents of biological bi-racial children who are raising them on their own without any support from their “of-color” parent/family?

    In answer to your question, you are being the harsh critic. My comment that society wouldn’t accept our love as enough for a child of another race does not contradict my point in “A”. Until our society stops judging inter-racial relationships as a whole, our children will always be at risk of being damaged by those who are prejudiced against such relationships.

    Catherine

    August 6, 2010 at 1:16 am

  7. What I’m saying is there’s nothing racist about thinking about putting the child’s experience above the parent’s color-blind fantasies. And color-blind fantasies they are. Call me harsh. That’s my reality, and the harsh reality of most adopted children of color. I AM the experiment. So I’ve earned the right to tell you how it went.

    It’s one thing for love to naturally result in mixed races. It’s another thing entirely to assemble families to prove – what? Now THERE’s some thing to reflect on deeply, before you go calling this adoptee of color a racist. The opportunity to do better for children should not dismiss the reality of their acceptance or not by society.

    We might be saying some of the same things, but I don’t appreciate the accusations and tone, so all further comments from you will be deleted.

    girl4708

    August 6, 2010 at 2:11 am

  8. I think it would be difficult to grow up dislocated from my culture; I largely define myself in such ways, family, background, heritage. (I would ask those in this thread, who also do, how would you feel if you didn’t have that?)

    Re: transracial adoption… in so many ways, whites are damned if we do, damned if we don’t. I am personally disgusted with rich people who spend millions on trying to have their own pristine little precious babes and won’t even consider foster parenting.

    America is looting and bankrupting the world, and adopting a child (of any race) from a poor country would be one way of making amends for that, one way to SHARE our bounty instead of using it as a bludgeon. That would be MY reason for adoption. I think many of the other white parents are “collectors”–such as Angelina Jolie.

    PS: You might be interested in THIS POST, in which the author (Nezua) satirizes Jolie! Lots of people got mad at him over it, but you have to admit its funny!

    DaisyDeadhead

    August 17, 2010 at 3:16 pm

  9. My husband and I are likely to be adoptive parents as we cannot have biological children. We hope to adopt a sibling pair and also older children. We have; however, decided that while we may consider interracial adoption, we will not adopt African-American children. The reason for this is, while we have connections to the Hispanic community, we have none in the Af-Am community and to be honest, don’t want any. We’ve seen and heard of adoptive families of Af-Am children who try to allow those kids in the Af-Am community with some very negative outcomes. The level of hostility some of these families have had to endure is outrageous and inexcusable. We just don’t want to walk that path nor take a child down that path.

    The expressions in the first post are exactly some of the ones I have considered a child may have who is black but adopted by a “white” couple (I am actually Arab). It does make the chance of adopting more challenging to have made this decision and I have been given “the look” when I tell those I am working with of our decision. However, would it do anyone any good at all to not be honest in this regard? Why would anyone want to place a child in yet another difficult situation? I think we are thinking of the children in this case as we don’t feel we could fully help a Af-Am child realize their identity; something adoptees already struggle with anyway.

    Kandace

    August 18, 2010 at 7:13 pm

  10. For some other viewpoints on this subject, check out the following site:

    http://www.kevinhofmann.com

    Catherine

    August 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm

  11. Catherine

    August 20, 2010 at 3:39 pm

  12. Yes it’s possible, Catherine (and the links are a very slick way of attempting to get your point across and not getting deleted after accusing me of being a racist)

    But it still denies the reality of the scenario us adoptees will have to deal with. Even the guy in the link you cite is disturbed enough that a good portion of his life is caught up in adoption issues.

    You’re so convinced children will be better off.
    So here’s a link in response:
    http://johnraible.wordpress.com/better-off-better-smile-video/

    John also talks on his website about the fatigue adoptees experience having to deal with all of the above. It just never ends, and you’re a part of it.

    girl4708

    August 20, 2010 at 6:12 pm

  13. “America is looting and bankrupting the world, and adopting a child (of any race) from a poor country would be one way of making amends for that, one way to SHARE our bounty instead of using it as a bludgeon.”

    It’s the same thing. It’s the same thing. The children are part of the looting.

    But the sharing of bounty – people don’t want to preserve families in another country. They only “share” the bounty if they get direct and immediate benefit from it, by having a child of their own. Remove the ownership and there won’t be much sharing going on…

    btw, that Jolie satire was brilliant.

    girl4708

    August 20, 2010 at 6:22 pm

  14. I apologize for sending the link…not trying to be slick, just hoping to communicate some other thoughts (and I was hoping to hear some feedback about Raible’s review of Hofmann’s book). However, if I may clarify just a couple of things, I would appreciate the opportunity to do so, then I promise to take my thoughts elswhere. I do not believe I singled out you, or anyone else in my response to the original question asking what I felt about interracial adoptions. And in fact, I never called anyone a racist, only cited my feelings about “assumptions” I have heard. I believe I only called you a harsh critic. I had hoped this was going to be an opportunity to exchange ideas and maybe build a bridge. You accused me of having a “tone” and I suppose I did when I responded to your unexpected anger at my initial post. I am not angry with you and I am sorry to have offended you. I truly appreciate your insight into the political side of the Korean/American adoption program, but I don’t understand the anger you seem to have towards adoptive parents, and it seems that while I may be able to build another kind of bridge, it will not be here. Thank you for the opportunity to express these thoughts.

    Catherine

    August 20, 2010 at 9:26 pm

  15. “And one of the most racist assumptions I have heard is that Caucasion children would be better served with Caucasion families, Asian children with Asian familes, etc”

    So since I am saying this, I must be a racist. I don’t have an issue with people adopting or adoptive parents, if it’s for the child’s best interest. But denial or diminishing of what the children have to face makes me angry. THAT is NOT in the child’s best interest, and your assumptions that the “alternative is too frightening” also come from privilege. (And your experience in Japan was a privileged position that was voluntary and in which you had some control over)

    I don’t see anything harsh about my criticisms of transracial adoption at all. You’re bitterness towards society for having separate colors and cultures does not erase the reality of that fact. And ignoring that fact for dreams of a mud-colored rainbow shape does not exonerate adoptive parents of the responsibility for creating a situation where chaos is a daily part of a child’s life. That is not better than the alternative.

    Everything about this website is a bridge. You merely refuse to see what is being offered.

    girl4708

    August 21, 2010 at 12:53 am

  16. Hi! I am not adopted, or a parent, or anything, and I also have a bad english, so maybe I should not even be commenting here, but I found this post accidentally and it made me think about some things, and desperted some doubts. I am from Brazil, and here is very common to hear histories from children adopted by foreign parents, taken to another country, another culture, etc. Some of then become happy in their new country and family, others are not that lucky. But I never understood why these parents come from so far to adopt a child. They don’t have orphanages in their own country? All the children in the “first world” have happy families and beautiful houses like we see on tv series?
    Many researchers say that when a brazilian family looks for a child to adopt, they usually try to “fit” this child in the family, which means they look for a white child (brazilian people are a “mix’ of different cultures, and white families are not the most commons, but usually they are the most rich, and in better conditions to adopt a child). So we have millions of children that grow up in orphanages just because they are black. When I saw your post I could not stop thinking about it. Maybe I am wrong because I am not involved with any situation like that, I make my opinion basically reading things and watching tv, but to me when someone says ” I will not adopt a black child because i fear for his adaptation in a different family”, in fact this person is saying “I will not adopt a black child because I don’t want to face my neighbourhood looking strangely at me everyday”.

    Carine

    September 24, 2010 at 12:36 pm

  17. I think it is a good thing to adopt a child because they might not have a chance with there own parents with all the crack,meth,and weed going around so I think it is a good thing you are doing for that child

    jason simmons

    October 12, 2010 at 5:44 pm

  18. The reason there is crack, meth, etc. going around among minority populations is because they are marginalized and disadvantaged. Most people are not adopting FAS or crack babies, and the marginalization that disadvantages these children’s parents also disadvantage the children as they grow. We experience racism and inter-racial color-blindness does not diminish but exacerbates our difference.

    I am not entirely against adoption, but I am against people who can’t be honest about why they are adopting. I am also against people using a valid reason to justify their ingenuous reasons.

    girl4708

    October 12, 2010 at 11:18 pm

  19. Interesting that none of the posts are from adoptive children who have lived through it. I was born and adopted in 1965. I am a brown skin girl who was adopted by white parents. Then, there was no support for them or for me. I hope all you parents are very good listeners for your children. I hope you can provide the support and information they will need. They may not realize they need it until they themselves have children or they go through some catastrophic event. Good luck everyone.

    Mygiraffe

    December 15, 2012 at 5:48 am

  20. I haven’t even had a chance to read past the first message. I am so upset because I know the answer to this. I am a white teacher with excellent white parents, a brother who is an engineer and a sister who is a physiotherapist. My parents adopted my half black brother at age one. He was a Special Ed student and the youngest child. He was raised in a small city of almost all white people. He spent most of his life in jail. We have just recently reconnected and I MOST definitely think that interracial adoptions should be avoided. At least live in a city or town with lots of people of their colour. And adopt two of the same race, siblings would be great. My brother and I are likely going to write a book this summer because the results of this interracial adoption went very very wrong. And I have two wonderful parents who tried.

    Sarah's mom

    March 7, 2013 at 11:27 pm

  21. Forgot to mention that he was adopted in 1970.

    Sarah's mom

    March 7, 2013 at 11:28 pm

  22. (I use the term ‘Indian’ here as most Indian people use ‘Indian or Native’ rather than the term ‘Native American’)

    When I read or hear anyone discussing interracial adoptions I always wonder if they have heard of the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA). This set of laws and guidelines came about as a result that our (Indian people) children were being removed from Indian communities and families and placed for adoption with non Indian families at an alarming rate. The reasons given for removal of the child almost always revolved around the fact that the natural parents were poor. ICWA basically provides for placement preferences and transfer of the case to the child’s tribe when an Indian child has been removed from their home. The placement preferences are approximately as follows :with a biological relative tribal member, with other members of the same tribe, with other Indians, and lastly with non Indians. All of these placements are preferable within the childs tribal community. Indian people in general identify what tribe they are first and then as an Indian second. Culture can not be taught. I have no idea what is like to be a Navajo, just like a Navajo would’nt be able to understand the nuances of growing up a Crow Indian. Fortunately for us, the courts and social welfare professionals now know and admit that being poor doesn’t make a bad parent or family environment. I have know many Indian people who were adopted by non Indians and not one of them are “ok”. They never fit in with other Indian people and for the most part they act like non Indians and have a very distorted view of what it means to be an Indian. This happens whether the adoptive parents tried to expose their child to their Native culture or not. It’s very sad, and it’s even more sad because in many instances relatives and other Tribal members were more than willing to care for the child. I have also known several Korean people who were adopted by Whites and each of them confided how difficult it was for them in trying to fit in the Korean community. I understand that in some cases the child was placed with a family from a different race due to the fact that a same race family couldn’t be found. But this should only be done after all efforts to place the child with their own people. It should be a last resort.

    Danielle Stratis

    July 18, 2013 at 7:16 pm

  23. I suggest that since the world is full of “interracial adoptees” then you should ONLY PAY ATTENTION to replies from interracial adoptees. This is because in adoption the rights of the child are to be PARAMOUNT over all the interests of the adult parties – its not a “balancing act.” As the rights of those children are to be considered ABOVE the rights of adults then it is only logical that you ask those children what they think and only pay attention to them. Thousands of those children are now adults and are quite capable of offering opinions if anyone cares to listen to them. Personally for me – as an adoptee – all adoption is child trafficking as there is no need to sever a person’s relationship forever from their mother, family, identity, heritage, ancestors, country, language. Adoption is a violation of human rights.

    C. Lynch

    January 29, 2016 at 8:09 am


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: