Adoption Survivor

dealing with it

Since everyone who has been adopted is sad?

with 3 comments

Should I just not adopt? I can’t have children and have never wanted to have my own children. I have always wanted to save a child from a bad country where they would not have a good life. Why is that so bad? Would the people out there who were adopted prefer to have lived a bad life? Just curious not attacking anyone b/c I have not been in this situation.

Not Chosen Best Answer

You know, I find all your sentiments lovely and your exploration of a deeper understanding wonderful.

However, the desire to save is often misguided. There is too much left to interpretation of what is a “good” and a “bad” life. There is too much cultural stereotyping that goes on about other nations and what is backwards or progressive. There is too much propaganda over what an adoption from one of these countries can accomplish, and there is too little acknowledgment that the person adopting might be gaining more than the person they’re adopting.

Have you traveled much? Have you stayed in a rural setting and gotten to know people in a third world country? You will find incredibly intelligent people with amazing potential working to improve their communities, even if there is no sewer system and lack of reliable water. You will find huge extended families and parents breaking their backs to give their children the best they can possibly give them. Even in war torn countries, you will find siblings fighting to stay together and separated families achieving the impossible to find one another. You will find that when you are poor, sometimes all you’ve got in the world is your flesh and blood. You will see the rich heritage and the common traditions and the love among the strife. In many places these backwards places have a much richer life than our own. And in many places their lives are oppressed because big consuming world powers influence , fuel unrest, and capitalize on local weaknesses. Further destabilizing families and communities by introducing the hungry adoption market aids in undermining these cultures, not helping them.

More than anyplace else, adoption in third world countries is often a permanent catastrophe based upon a temporary setback. Many orphanages are staging points while families pull their lives together, and when the parents accomplish this and return, they find their children are gone forever. And in other countries distracted by more pressing basic needs, children are stolen and placed in orphanages for profit to fill the huge western appetite. Until you investigate all the very real ethical violations that occur in these countries as adoption is being established as an institution and sometimes even after it is regulated, you will think of saving children from a horrible fate a wonderful option. But when you look closer, you will find grieving parents and extended families. Adoption often contributes to as much sadness and heartache over time as it does help. And to what end? For the price of one western adoption, that money could save several entire families in some countries. For the price of one adoption, whole communities could have clean drinking water and school supplies or the beginnings of a sewer system or…

Being saved is what brought me to America. I have decent clothes and food and shelter. But I have been severed from my culture and isolated by the color of my skin. So on top of the impact of adoption in the source country, there is also the experience of being raised transracial, of being a minority in a different culture composed primarily of people you don’t resemble at all. Adoption is a very VERY complicated issue on its own. Then add on top of it being intercountry and transracial, and what you have left is an incredibly confusing path for a child to maneuver through. Yes it can be done. But is it really the best option? I don’t think so.

Please read this previous Y!A I answered:;…

I really do hope you and others explore DEEPLY what the impact of your decisions mean and choose to find more effective ways to “save” the planet. There are less radical ways to save children than to surgically remove them from their homelands and place them in an alien landscape, where people speak a different language, where they can not initially communicate or express themselves, and where they are entirely dependent on the very same people (strangers) who removed them from all they knew and loved.

I hope I’ve been of some help.


About this movie…


There are far too many of these documentaries existing on trafficking and corruption and conditions of international adoption. China, Cambodia,different African countries, India… And, there aren’t enough of these documentaries getting airplay.

Best Answer – Chosen by Asker

I was adopted as a baby, along with my twin, by a dad and a mom (who could not have children for some unknown medical reason). My life with them was much better than what my life with my birthmother would have been. (She did drugs and smoked, had no husband, lived a hippie lifestyle, and had bipolar disorder, which I have, and can be very debilitating). I would rather have grown up adopted by them, than been raised by my birthmother. But (even though I have never met her) I love my birthmother! My point is, I would think that child would like to be saved from a place where their quality of life is not very good and be raised by a loving mother, where, like me, he/she has more opportunities. I am adopted, and I am not sad, I am glad. Hope this helps!

Asker’s Rating:
4 out of 5
Asker’s Comment: (A classic example of someone only hearing what they want to hear)
Thanks! Some people were such ***** about this. I would be doing this for the child and I would not be removing it from its country, its mother would be.

Written by girl4708

October 21, 2008 at 7:55 am

Posted in Q&A

3 Responses

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  1. Your answer was SOOO informative. But you’re right, people only hear what the WANT to hear.


    October 24, 2008 at 3:49 pm

  2. “I would think that child would like to be saved from a place where their quality of life is not very good.”

    Assumptions like that make me want to smash my head into the nearest brick wall.

    People just want to assume that their life was by adopted standards “better” because they can’t face the possibility that it might have been along the SAME standard if they had actually stayed.


    October 25, 2008 at 9:48 pm

  3. It’s the approach. You’re posting where you can clearly see the wrong reasons and wrong approach. A better approach could be transparency and inquiry/discussion on emotional well-being and working with therapists to immediately acknowledge that here is trauma from separation from the mother PERIOD, and to watch for trauma indicators and find ways to make communication normalized by exchanging feelings and creating safe spaces for emotional vulnerability. Your adopted child will need to feel acknowledged as a real person not a prop or fuel for narcissism.


    January 10, 2018 at 11:26 am

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