Adoption Survivor

dealing with it

Do you think ALL adoptee’s feel the SAME about their adoption in terms of loss?

with 2 comments

No doubt there is an initial loss of being seperated from the natural family. But do you expect that all adoptee’s are going to feel the same level of loss?
  • 2 weeks ago

Additional Details

What about those who are raised without secrets and lies or in open adoption? Is it possible for some to have a healthier outlook on their adoption than others?

2 weeks ago

By “healthier” I mean more positve outlook and self-esteem and at peace with their adoption circumstances.

 

I agree that it’s not healthy to “stuff” feelings. But is it assumed that adoptee’s who claim to be “not bitter” do that?

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NOT  CHOSEN Best Answer:

Sunny – I wish I could give you ten thumbs up!

Questioner – I’m going to answer your question, but maybe from a more literal stand-point, just because (most) everyone else is being refreshingly on point and trying to be objective and you’ve got some great general answers there.

– First, I think loss is loss is loss.
– Second, I think you can weight the losses. For example, losing a mom is HUGE, no matter what your age or circumstance, on a visceral level
– Third, losses ADD UP.

losing faith
losing relationship
losing your country
losing your culture
losing your heritage
losing your language
losing trust
losing innocence
losing ignorance

it’s like a soup of pain: the bulk of each adoptee’s experience is loss of mother. then each soup is made unique depending on the combination of other added losses.

my best adoptee friend has all of the above. she lost her mother by death. a few years later she literally got lost. she lost her father by adoption when nobody searched for her father – even though she was 9 and knew his name – she lost her siblings – she lost her country when she was sent to America – she lost her heritage – she lost her culture – after two years, all her language was lost – it wasn’t long before her innocence was lost when her adoptive father abused her – and all this time. she was fully aware of her powerlessness because of her age. So in the end she lost all the relationships she valued, she lost faith in the charity and responsibility of adults, and she lost trust in those pledged to care for her.

We tend to focus on the main loss, but there can be so many. This is why I call myself an adoption survivor. Because for me and many of my fellow adoptees, we shoulder so many losses on top of the main loss.

How can you measure something like that? I’d like to measure it in dollars and sue the adoption agencies. I’m hoping someone with a water tight case can and does.

As for your additional details.

I personally have a great deal of empathy for the “not bitter” adoptees, though I do wish they wouldn’t protest so much and see me and my experience as the enemy. Just like them, I don’t want to be pitied – I just want to see change for the better, and that requires some sympathy. Two different animals entirely.

Regarding those so-called “kool-aid” adoptees, I feel for them. When you’ve got everything as good as it gets, then whatever feelings you have about losing your mother become incredibly treacherous waters to navigate. When you’ve got no other additional losses that can share some of the heat, then you’ve very little allowance to complain. The margin for even the smallest expressions of pain becomes extremely prohibitive. That’s a tight-rope I wouldn’t want to walk, and a much more difficult position from which to discern one’s deepest feelings. Some may call this denial. I call this an ineffective way of dealing with the core issues.

I’d also like to add that a “healthier outlook on their adoption” and positive outlook and self esteem are not the same thing. I can have a positive outlook and very high self esteem and still have a negative outlook on adoption. Maybe instead of “healthier outlook on their adoption” you meant “more socially acceptable outlook on adoption” ? Other than that, it’s just common sense that those who have been treated with more equality and given the truth won’t have to add injustice at the hands of their parents onto their loss will have less of a burden to carry.

We all experience loss and struggle with it in our own ways, due to our infinitely varied circumstances. We all do the best that we can because we have no choice. Peace does come through acceptance of our adoption circumstance. However, some things no human should be asked to be at peace with: like violations of our civil rights, exploitation, abuse, etc. And as long as adoption is involuntary, as long as there is exploitation, as long as there are violations of our civil rights and the obliteration of our identities, then we should not rest.

Because no child should have to experience even one added loss on top of losing their mother, and no child should lose their mother just to fill the arms of another, which happens far more than anyone cares to admit. These losses are preventable. Prevent, and we don’t have to ask these questions.

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Written by girl4708

November 12, 2009 at 12:25 pm

Posted in Q&A

2 Responses

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  1. I am an adoptive mother of a child from Russia. I have read several sections of your blog and using this as a learning opprotunity. Is there something your adoptive parents could have done to help with your longing for your home country? It is very hard for me to understand how it would have been in my son’s best interest to leave him in an orphange were the likelyhood that he would have been adopted was slim to none due to his ethnic heritage. I agree that if it is possible for a child to find a loving family in his/her home country that is ideal. However, that is not always possible. Isn’t leaving children in orphanages, where they get little interaction, love, education and life skills, worse than finding them a great home that just happens to be located in another country? I am in no way being critical. I am just trying to gain a better understanding of your point of view.

    Olivia

    February 23, 2010 at 1:07 am

  2. This is a good blog and well written. I’m an Australian adoptee who has been living in Korea for 4 years now. I’ve met a lot of the GOA’L crowd and settled down pretty well. From what I know, there’s a wide spectrum of experiences, and it can be frustrating when other’s feelings toward their situation completely contradict your own. I think that for those of us who harbour some bitterness, we tend to see other Korean adoptees more as a group identity. It’s true that we share things in common, but there’s an enormous diversity of experiences.
    For me, I’ve heard stories from both extreme ends of the spectrum and see myself as somewhere in the middle of the ‘bell curve’. For those who had it good, I feel happy for them, and for those who didn’t I try to understand.
    Some situations don’t have answers. Perhaps all we need to do is just listen, help those who need it, and try to understand those who don’t want it.

    Lee Farrand

    March 2, 2010 at 10:37 am


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