Adoption Survivor

dealing with it

Letter to my new friend

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I THINK, i think abandonment and adoption permeates us into our psyches in such inexplicable ways…we’re totally confusing to those around us.  they see us do things that just don’t make sense to them.  i don’t know about you, but I have an over-the-top sense of justice, and a moral high ground and personal expectation that other people first admire then struggle with.  i call it borderline borderline personality disorder.  the world just seems so crystalline to me – i try so hard and everyone should try that hard!  i’m always disappointed how people give up and move on so easily.  when i commit to someone, i COMMIT to them.  i’m horrified at how flippant everyone is with people’s emotions and how self-centered everyone eventually prooves to be.

i think also that we are such cautious people.  we are withdrawn and remote and unwelcoming.  we don’t open up easily, but when we do we bare all and give all.  it’s a gift.  people don’t realize how precious this gift is.  other people, they guard themselves in a more constant and less extreme way.  they are better preservationists than we are.  they therefore walk away with more left of themselves.  but for us, for us we have to / need to be this way.  because what we need more than anything on the planet is something real.  we know small case love, but we’ve never known unconditional love.  for us everything is an existential crisis.  for us without an identity, everything is a fabrication.  we wander the planet seeking something real.  we test everything for its honesty.

somehow, we have to find our own truth and have faith that our truths will shine through and people will see us.  i crawl under my rock and hide from people, but i find strength in my voice.  it gives me a little purpose.  like the words you write are beautiful and elegant, i know my words reach people.  there is something about us – and sang-shil’s land of the not-so-calm – and other thoughtful KAD’s that nobody can fault.  there is the real that we seek in the truth that we speak.

and that’s why there is also something beautiful about our depressions.  learning to connect to our emotions and expressing them is beautiful and pure.  it’s such a sordid ugly world, but our pain is pure and our hope is pure.  we have so much to share.  the world is better because we are in it.

so don’t despair.
you are not alone
we are family.

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Written by girl4708

September 27, 2008 at 10:54 pm

Posted in Infinite Longing

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