Adoption Survivor

dealing with it

A question for adoptees?

with one comment

Question:

Hey, I go on the general pregnancy and parenting board which often
brings up questions from the adoption section that I sometimes look in
on. I hope you don’t think I’m butting in, I’m just asking this out of
curiousity, feel free not to answer if it’s too intrusive a quesion!

In my life I’ve only known 3 adoptees (two with the same adoptive
parents, both adults in their 30’s, and the other one is with seperate
adoptive parents and is a teenager). The three people I’ve happened to
know were all adopted as babies, and they’ve grown up always knowing
they were adopted, being fine with the fact they were adopted, and
seeing their adoptive parents no differently to how everybody else sees
their biological parents, and none of the three have ever had any
desire to want to find their birth parents. So I’d always just
(probably ignorantly) assumed this was the case for most adoptees (well
I know a lot do try and seek out their birth parents, but I mean I
assumed that most adoptees grow up feeling happy and natural with their
adoptive parents). However I read a lot of questions and answers on
here from adoptees who appear to be very unhappy in their situations. I
was just wondering, if these people who are unhappy tend to be people
who were adopted at a later age? Or, even if you were adopted shortly
after birth, is it actually very different from growing up in a
household with biological parents? Or is it that teenage adoptees clash
with their parents in the same way non-adoptees clash with theirs, but
put the issues down to having been adopted? (I’m not saying I think
that’s the case at all, I’m just wondering). I always read a lot of
answers, in response to questions saying they’re thinking about giving
their baby up for adoption, from adoptees saying please think twice and
give your child a chance to know its biological parents etc. Do you
feel like you have a hole in your lives not knowing your biological
parents, even if you’ve been with your adoptive parents since birth?

I just want to say I’m sorry if these questions are personal or if they
cause any offence, they’re not intended to be at all, I’m just seeking
to gain knowledge over something I know very little, but I know your
lives are none of my business so only answer if you want to, sorry
again!

Answer:

i will pick up from a line in the video (posted below)

“i always felt entirely and utterly alone.”

i was adopted a few months prior to my third birthday.
my earliest memory is the plane trip to america.
it was as if someone went into my brain and surgically erased all that i was prior to adoption.

i am told i laughed at cartoons by myself.
but all i remember from the plane ride forward is being terrified.
this terror would be explained away as shyness.
i never in my entire life felt happy or natural with my parents.

nobody knew this.
i kept it to myself.
i was a good, obedient kid.

when asked about biological parents, i would say i had no interest.
because i didn’t. i didn’t harbor those kind of hopes as they were
interferences that would disturb the peace. i had to file that interest
away, lock it up, and throw away the key.

and, quite the contrary, my teenage struggles had to be about
everything BUT adoption. because adoption was a not recognized as an
issue, by me or my parents, then i wasn’t free to subscribe any
conflicts to it or use it as ammunition. i talked about adoption as
little as possible. i wanted the topic to disappear. i worked hard to
make it disappear. i tried so very very hard to accept my situation.

it wasn’t until my own children were leaving home and my parents died
and i didn’t have to think about others first, that i began to
recognize the detached feelings i held within me had something to do
with the disruption of my childhood. that the adoption really was an
issue, and that being abandoned had everything to do with everything.
you ask about a hole in our life? yes. an abyss.

it is more than a hole because you can never verbalize it.
you are just a kid and these feelings are confusing.
you don’t even know this is why you never talk with your parents, why no conversation is real. you just know not to go there.
and in subtle ways, they let you know not to go there.
they let you know they can’t handle the truth of your feelings.
you smile instead.
and be a good girl.

you can never get relief.
because you don’t want your parents to feel rejected.
you don’t want them – anyone- to feel even an ounce of what you feel every day.

you become the guardian of everything that oppresses you.

this feeling? i don’t believe this feeling is age dependent.
i think we all feel that hole – that yearning, that loss. for some like
myself, it takes decades to acknowledge and work through.

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Written by girl4708

September 21, 2008 at 8:32 am

Posted in Q&A

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One Response

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  1. i always felt like an outsider. my parents didn’t cause it- it was a deep-seated thing since i can remember…..

    -adopted at 2 months.

    jeni

    October 6, 2008 at 10:23 am


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