Screening for Woody Allen
Today I’ve got no insights, revelations, or provocations. Today I am merely asking questions. The question I mainly want to ask is: How do we screen out Woody Allen? There are a few of us molested Korean adoptees who have come out of the shadows to speak about the traumatic consequences of latent yellow fever combined with the ability to adopt yellow.
Do these men KNOW they have yellow fever when they adopt? Is that why they choose Asian countries to adopt from?
Are these men pedophiles before they adopt?
What is it about these men that allows them to cross personal boundaries, morals, and ethics?
How is it these men are so infantile and self-absorbed they ultimately can not control their urges?
WHY WERE MY FATHER’S WHITE, BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN NOT MOLESTED, BUT I WAS?
My similarly abused Korean adoptee friends and I all share the above question. In addition to the exclusive attention, I was also treated differently in many other ways than my non-adopted siblings were:
As confidant – about relationship matters between my father and mother. (I was a child, for God’s sake – who didn’t need to know that information)
As a special prize – The man actually referred to me as his little concubine…(I can’t tell you how gross that feels)
As an equal (yet fictional) participant – and this is where it gets weird – most of us were not raped and most of us our abuse ended after puberty. But let me tell you – physical pain is nothing compared to having our minds twisted inside out, and molestation or rape or both – it’s still all about control. And the thing about incest is that it’s a captive audience, and in the adoptee’s case, a captured audience. In a private hell that lasts sometimes over a decade, from which the only escape is actual physical escape. And who’s entire family dynamics are permanently scarred long after the abuse ends. Because incest is chronic. Our fathers rationalized they were above rapists because they loved us. Not only did they have to relieve themselves, but they also wanted us to love it. And them. In a super natural way. It was some sick ego masturbation going on. And the greater the challenge or convoluted nature of it all, the more illicit and rewarding for them.
In their socially retarded fantasy world, what they were really hoping for was what Woody Allan got: a child bride. Not just any child bride. An ASIAN child bride. Because of the mystique of Asian women. Because we were so docile. (because we were scared shitless because we had to adjust to a new and foreign life. I am not making this up, that is how I felt but if you’d asked me at the time I would have told you how thankful I was to be adopted) Because they thought of us as if we were little geisha. This is my theory. I can only venture to guess, but they are educated guesses because I LIVED with the man fourteen+ years.
Did my father intentionally adopt me to molest me? Of course not.
Did my father think Asian women were alluring? The idea probably fascinated him.
Was my father sexually attracted to other children? Maybe. Probably.
But did he cross the line with anyone else? No. Just the Asian adopted daughter. Because the adopted Asian daughter is both exotic, vulnerable and, most importantly, accessible.
And that social taboo against incest? Not quite so strong when the child is not your blood…
Did Woody Allen date Mia Farrow because she had adopted daughters, one of them Asian? Maybe…their presence certainly made Mia more interesting. Maybe they were more interesting than Mia. Maybe they became an obsession. Woody was lucky, (from my father’s perspective) in that he didn’t have complete and total access to Mia’s children and that he was ‘t technically married to Mia, so he was free to turn the fantasy into reality.
Think about it, and it’s a recipe for disaster:
Take one relationship frustrated, sexually frustrated, sensitive, self-absorbed immature man
Give him close proximity and access to his fantasy and curiosity about the exotic
Now make the fantasy helpless and under his care, so that his love for his adorable charge grows each day
Let the relationship grow over time until the child trusts and loves him.
The acceptance is confusing and feeds the man’s longings for love, exciting the man
All of these things are hidden from the naked eye, from paperwork, from the itemized lists of social workers. All of the quantifiable qualities of an adoptive parent, these men PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS.
For the love of God, why can’t anyone BE A JUDGE OF CHARACTER when it comes to the safety of children?
How can we leave the adoptive parent’s judges of character to be self selected?
Why do we have to be objective when screening parents?
Isn’t subjectivity and gut instinct valuable in this instance?
How many children could I save alone if I were allowed to be a diviner or barometer?
The answer? Many.
You don’t find these men by looking at their bank account or their social activities or their job stability or their church affiliation or who will vouch for them. You won’t find these men with a short interview and handshake – they appear affable, magnanimous, and personable. Hell – any psychopath can trick almost anyone into thinking they are someone that cares, that you want to trust. (not that these men are psychopaths – they are a different creature entirely) No. You find these men by learning about their world view – which will almost always be essentially self-absorbed. And their mannerisms – which will be pouting or petulant, or delicate. And their rationalizations, obsessions and neurosis – which will come out through extensive interview about ethical and timely topics. (see amendment *** below) And their cowardice. And the way in which they look adoringly at an Asian child: I’m sure there is a scientifically measurable difference in their physical response.
There is a sixth sense we abuse victims have – the hair that rises on the back of your neck, the sick feeling in your stomach, the understanding when you see a child old beyond their years hand in hand with a protective yet charismatic father. I do hope someone can do some scholarly work and profile these men: interview fathers convicted of incest, convicted pedophiles, men in rehab programs. There are commonalities, I am sure of it. There must be predictors that can be used to rule out these adoption candidates. At present, the only thing I and my other sisters in abuse have found is in this article:
“Incest is more likely to occur in a family where at least one parent is a stepparent, said Alan Davis, head of the National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence, and it shows up far more often in homes where both parents are not the natural parents.”
I also once tried to compare the rates of incest in biological families as compared to adopted families, but found that the data only indicated whether or not the families were natural or not natural, and that each state defined non-traditional families differently, so there was no way to filter the studies for adoption, as it wasn’t included as a variable in many of the studies. But if incest is more likely to occur in a family where BOTH parents are NOT biological, then doesn’t it follow that it is more likely to occur in an adoptive family as well? And to us sexually abused Asian adoptees, given the deeply ingrained proclivity to infanticize and sexualize Asian females in our culture, then it seems like a no brainer that we are especially at risk.
Please, somebody, please look into this – Not only collect data on past cases, but come up with a psychological profile of the adopting incest perpetrator. Because even one Woody Allen that slips through the present “screening” process is one too many.
***
Oh – and I wanted to correct that, on second thought, interviewing these men about ethics and topical issues wasn’t really best, because they know what the socially accepted answers are. More revealing would be talking about relationships. These men never take responsibility for their part in relationships – they are always the victim. Their roles are often frustrated and they feel dis-empowered. They seek out young friends/lovers that are weaker than themselves, because their lack of control over their own lives makes them feel impotent in some way. Innocence turns them on. It is my belief that the man who turns to his own children is often very weak in the social pecking order of male supremacy.
In addition, it is not just the infantalization and sexualization of Asian females, but also the feminization of Asian boys…who are also incest victims.
I also wanted to add that, off the record, a worker at an organization to help Korean adoptees in search of their birth families estimated that it was their experience that approximately 50% of the adoptees they had encountered had suffered abuse at the hands of their adoptive parents. These personal anecdotes were not something initially revealed or revealed on paper. There have been 76,646 adoptees who have returned to search for their families. Given those figures, the unofficial count of abused adoptees could be staggering.
He called you his concubine?!
Mei-Ling
October 21, 2009 at 4:03 pm
yup.
my little concubine.
my siamese kitty cat.
nice, huh?
******
I also added a comment to the post above.
girl4708
October 21, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Interesting article from the “Possibly related posts” from fellow wordpress blogger, the surrealist
CHILD ABUSE SYMPTOMS
“The taboo against talking about incest is stronger than the taboo against doing it.” – Maria Sauzier, M.D.
Traits of Families that Tolerate Incest and Child Abuse
Poly-abusive
Sexual child abuse is just one of a number of abuses taking place in an incest family. There may also be a history of family violence, substance abuse, and other criminal activity.
Duplicity, deceit, collective secrets
The incest family hides its embarrassing secrets.
Rigid and tightly controlled
Incest families have rigid rules to prevent revelation of their secrets.
Demand for blind, absolute loyalty
Incest families usually have a domineering head of household who rules the family through force.
Poor boundaries
Disrespect for each others’ privacy, rights, and individuality is common in incest families.
Parents immature and inexperienced in life
Parents of incest families usually never become fully mature adults.
Conflictual marriage or troubled divorce
In incest families, this may refer to situations where children are pushed into the drama between a conflicted mother and father.
No childhood for the children
Incest families are somber and strict places, where the authority figure (usually one of the parents) dictates behavior for everyone else. Rather than let children run around and play, they force children into a regimented routine.
Chaotic situations, traumatic stress
Incest often takes place in chaotic households, with unstable roots. These families may move often and lack connections to any one community.
Low level of appropriate touch
In the most toxic incest families all touching is considered taboo. Parents do not hug, caress, or cuddle their children, as normal families do. This is perhaps the most telling symptom of incest.
Compensating veneer of religiosity
Incest perpetrators often hide behind an external show of religion.
girl4708
October 23, 2009 at 5:11 am
I find it hard to let go of my anger to get to the subject.
I could always tell when my wife, a social worker, was working with an incest or child abuse case when she worked for CPS. She would come home with a raging migraine a few times a week. I don’t think she has ever come to grips with who commits these horrible crimes.
I once had to tolerate the company of abusive men. Domestic violence. And they did all seem to have common traits. It was a very subjective thing. The combination of dangerous and pathetic. But I can’t say if that was because I knew what they had done or if this was something I could see in a stranger.
Ed
October 23, 2009 at 5:26 am
Wow, some post! Damn!
Glad to find your blog, and I’ve added you.
I know a lot about Woody, which is what drew me to this post (got here through Atlasien’s blog)… he is one of those men I so much admired in my youth, and then… OMG. I was so let down…
1) I think he hooked up w/Mia because she had been married to Frank Sinatra, whom he idolized.
2) According to Vanity Fair writer Maureen Orth, Woody DID abuse other children, including his own biological daughter who now (as an adult) refuses to talk to him. It is almost as if Soon-Yi was his “warm-up” for the serious business of his “own” kid.
3) What I find most interesting, above all, is how there are no Asians in any of his movies. None. He has included lots of other people, but rather pointedly, no Asians. It’s rather glaring, really!
I am not sure what to make of this fact, but I have noticed it.
4) In the documentary about Woody, he casually notes that Soon-Yi was “eating out of garbage cans” as a kid… obviously, that has some importance for him, and he congratulates himself that he has saved her from that, even though it was Mia who adopted her.
Just some things I noticed.
Great post, and I’ll be reading.
DaisyDeadhead
October 23, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Thanks for the added insight for anyone reading this, DaisyDeadHead.
Woody’s intensity and intellect always drew me to him as well. Guys like these must have been what Nietzche was thinking when he came up with his ubermen theory. The weak must find ways to thrive and feed their tortured egos.
I can say my father shared many many MANY characteristics with Woody. (less the rapid-fire Yiddish) These things turn my stomach today and which I avoid at all costs.
Item 3) is an astute observation. Fear of discovery, guilt, etc. is often overcompensated for.
Item 4) was new to me, since I can’t bear to watch Woody now and missed his documentary.
I think I read somewhere (paraphrasing and I don’t know the source) that Soon-Yi discounts the incest because she was a willing participant and that she discounts being a child bride because she wears the pants in the relationship.
To me, Soon-Yi (exactly BECAUSE she was still a child) mistook taboo for love, because that is heady stuff. And the moral transgression of father/daughter can be dismissed on technicality only. Soon-Yi is a tragedy for us adopted Koreans because most of us born prior to the 80’s were abandoned and OF COURSE we are hungry for love. For someone like Woody to manipulate that to his own gain and relief (gross) is especially repugnant. I feel pity for her, and now she has to be mother to this pitiful excuse for a man to save face. She figured out long ago that he needed domination so he could feel secure. She recognizes the balance of power in their relationship. She fails to recognize the imbalance of power that began it all – long before she could comprehend or understand enough to willfully participate.
I also feel an amazing amount of anger towards her – for validating to all the other Woody’s out there that his abomination of a relationship is OK. That you can turn sick fantasies into reality. You can coerce/seduce/what-have-you the little Asian doll and take her home with you. You, too, can get away with it.
The most appalling and shocking thing of all is that Soon-Yi and Woody have adopted two girls. Now ask me how effective adoptive parent screening is. Now tell me we adoptees aren’t for sale to whomever has the means. Even if Woody manages to keep his member in his pants this time, there will be a tension in that household, a web so knotted it may never be unraveled, and those two girls will have to make sense of the world and relationships with these two freaks as their role models.
girl4708
October 23, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Getting back to the screening issue…
I wanted to add that ANY PROSPECTIVE PARENT who complains bitterly about probing questions or having to get a Criminal Background Check should AUTOMATICALLY BE ELIMINATED as qualified for adoption. AUTOMATICALLY.
It’s appalling just how much this is complained about by how many…
I had to get a CBC to teach in Korea, it’s totally appropriate, and its minor inconvenience was nothing if it meant even ONE pervert is kept away from countless children.
Any applying to adopt potential parent who complains about having to fulfill such a minor requirement as part of their social and moral contract for parenting, clearly has their own inconvenience more in mind than the best interests of children and society.
And the STUPID ARGUMENT I always hear – that biological parents aren’t subjected to this humiliation – has got to be shut down. Adoption, if it truly has the highest aspirations everyone claims it does, is supposed to provide families for children who have already experienced trauma. It is AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO BETTER than the biological family that failed or rejected them. To dismiss this opportunity would be irresponsible.
Again, any person selfish enough to come up with the previous argument FAILS THE TEST of what it means to be an adoptive parent and what abandoned/relinquished children need.
girl4708
October 23, 2009 at 11:25 pm
This is one of those things that happens that’s so awful that I’d almost rather not be aware of it. Incest + racist fetish, I guess you can always make a horrible thing even more horrible *shudder*. What’s this about Woody and Soon Yi adopting 1. At all 2. girls 3. please don’t let them be asian girls. That’s completely perverse *double shudder*. I read this post on the same day that I found some suspicious findings around a little boy’s bottom, *ugh*. There are some really not okay for children people out there.
ZooPath
October 24, 2009 at 6:29 pm
One is Caucasian, one is Asian. I hope they are okay.
Please call CPS about the little boy – each report adds up and at least creates or adds to a history of reports. Should it be dismissed, at least he will get more attention the next time someone calls, because CPS has to use triage to distribute their limited staff.
girl4708
October 25, 2009 at 9:56 am
I’m a healthcare worker so I know that I’m legally obligated to report it and I already spoke with one of the boy’s physicians. I hate the idea of disrupting his family by getting CPS involved, but you’re right, better safe than sorry.
I really hope that Soon Yi uses her personal knowledge of Woody’s “proclivities” to safeguard her children. It’s one of those situations where you want to make sure the nanny’s around even if he’s watching the kids.
ZooPath
October 25, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I tend to think that effective screening should not only eliminate potential abusers, but should only be the beginning. Bah, I don’t know. I still wonder if it is possible to start out a good adoptive parent. Which then makes me wonder – how do we detect the potential for abuse?
Also, of the many professionals we dealt with, I would say one of them needed to be screened herself. She kept getting back to it being all about us and not our son. I was pretty dazed at that point, but my wife was on her pretty hard.
Ed
October 30, 2009 at 2:52 am
I think the dynamics of Woody are much, much more complicated….. not many talk about it in this context, but Mia Farrow as a young woman chased after Frank Sinatra, knowing that he had been her mother’s (Maureen Sullivan, a famous actress less remembered now) lover. In that way Soon-yi kind of repeated the Sullivan/Farrow family pattern.
Thank you for the best piece I have ever seen on men who commit incest.
Lori
November 12, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Ed,
Sorry I didn’t reply to your post earlier – for some reason I couldn’t process it.
“And they did all seem to have common traits. It was a very subjective thing. The combination of dangerous and pathetic. But I can’t say if that was because I knew what they had done or if this was something I could see in a stranger.”
It’s probably both. I don’t think subjective means arbitrary. I think it’s based on an educated guess. You through your heightened awareness. Me through insider observation. I think this is training and how we learn, by observing patterns. I think it is possible to train those who don’t experience it first hand. I believe we should have subjectiveness training – sensitivity training.
And I also believe there must be characteristics that can be listed for screening, just like there is for every other psychological disorder. Just what does adoptive parent psychological screening entail? And how many visits are in a screening, to consider them adequate? I would really like to know more about this screening process…
girl4708
November 16, 2009 at 12:27 pm